signe_chan: (Stress-free)
I just ordered a library card.

I haven't had one in years and I probably should have as I've loved the library for most of my life. I was just sat here lamenting the fact I can't read all the young adult books I want becasue money and was know self, there's this magical place you can go where they let you borrow books without having to pay for them. You used to go there a lot of a child and a teenager...

So, yeah, signed up for a card. I might try and use their quiet working area to do some writing too. We'll have to see. Though I am meant to be working through my to-read pile and I am. I just...I'm writing Y.A. and I want to be reading Y.A. and it seems silly to force myself to read something else just becasue it's what's on my book shelf.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
I think I'm going to have to make peace with the fact I'm never going to be an artist. Or, at least, the kind of artist who has image as a medium rather than words. I've been trying for a year and while I have made progress and my work isn't terrible, I've not made the kind of progress I'd like and more and more I'm thinking that I don't want to be an artist, I want to be someone at a convention with a table in Artists Alley where they get to sit with fanart in front of them and people who like the same thing come over to chat. That's not being an artist.

It kind of irks me to give up as I started this with the attitude that if I threw myself at it long enough, I'd get better. I still think that's true, I just wonder if being better is worth the time and energy it's going to cost me. I don't have the passion to be as good as I'd like to be and is there any point in forcing myself if I don't feel that passion. Can't I spend the time better in writing or reading or watching shows or dancing or talking to friends.

So, yeah. I think I'm giving up on learning to draw. I will, however, keep banging my head against the wall of learning German as I'm shit at languages but I'd really love to speak one other than my mother tongue.

On saturday I'm going to try a new writing club. I've been to one locally before, many years ago, and it was full of little old men and ladies writing poetry about flowers. Which, sure, great for them. Not for me. But this one is slightly further away, slightly more urban. If I'm being honest I'm hoping to make more fangirl friends but would settle for trying out being among other writers again.

Tomorrow is red nose day so I'll be wearing my Hermione Granger outfit to school. I'm also contemplating taking in my replica Captain America shield. If they break it I'll have a sad but it might make them smile for a bit. I'll see how I feel in the morning. I'm feeling pretty charitable to the world at the moment.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
Alright, I'm going to ramble about 50 shades. Stick with me.

I have never read this book. I never intend to read this book. Never the less, I've joined in with the public flogging of this book. I have shamed it with friend and colleagues. It is a badly written book about domestic abuse.

Now, a confession. I really like Hannibal porn. The dark stuff. I like the stuff where Hannibal takes Will and makes him his sex slave. The more fucked up and co-dependent it all gets, the better. I have read fic that are probably morally worse than 50 shades. I mean, I guess I acknowledge that the fic I'm getting of on there is really fucked up and I know myself well enough to know it's appealing to the bit of me that feels helpless and directionless and just wants someone to come along and tell me what to do with my life and how to do it, the same part of me that loves ABO-verse and went through that really weird phase with the daddy kink ClintCoulson fics and why did we even go there, fandom? But, thing is, I read and enjoy things that are objectively worse than 50 shades.

So what right so I have, exactly, to turn around and tell this woman she can't enjoy her badly written porn but I can enjoy mine.

It seems to me that a lot of the hand-wringing is about the idea that women who are reading 50 shades are passive consumers of this book. That they're going to read it and accept it as some kind of relationship guide and go out and have unsafe, non-consensual kinky sex. The more I think about this the less I like it becasue we seem to be denying these women a lot of agency. Surely, in the same way I can acknowledge that Hannibal locking up Will and fucking with his head is REALLY WRONG but I still kind of get of on it, these women can probably acknowledge that some things in 50 shades are kind of wrong but still get of on them. They can probably work out for themselves that if they're actually going to try something kinky they should probably consult an actual guide to BDSM or talk it through or give consent. It just feels like there's been a big party to throw a load of shame on women for liking this book and how can I when I read shit that's worse.

Now, you can totally 100% make an argument that 50 shades contributes to an existing culture where women's consent is regarded as an optional extra in far too many sexual encounters, where this kind of violence in a relationship is normalised and that's 100% valid. If in season 3, Hannibal locks Will up in his sex dungeon I'm not going to like that. I think the difference is that fandom is a place of extras. Of possibilities. I wouldn't want most fanfiction to be canon, if I'm being honest. Fandom represents a place where we can explode those possibilities and play with them all, even the ones with unsafe BDSM practice and really fucked up cannibal on profiler sex, with it not being 'real' in such a way that I have to think about the implications of it. I guess there is a problem when these things move into the mainstream but a lot of the concern for women reading instead of concern about the text and how it contributes to the overall cultural messages we're sending about consent and female sexuality feels patronising. And maybe it shouldn't be in the mainstream but you have to remember how it got there. It wasn't sold to a massive publisher straight out, it got really popular on the kindle store, driven by people who found something in it buying and recommending it, THEN to went to a publisher. This is as close to women choosing their own mainstream culture as we're likely to get.

So, yeah, I think what I'm trying to say is I'm with you 100% that 50 shades is kind of fucked up but a hell of a lot of women enjoyed it so can we move on from treating them like idiots who don't understand that the media they're consuming is bad for them and maybe if we have to carry on the discussion make it about what all these women are getting out of this piece of porn, what need is it filling for them and what does that tell us about society.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)

It's the fantasy musical comedy TV show I didn't know I needed until I had it.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
I was going to do SO MUCH tonight but then I accidentally three hours of unpaid work. Fuck. I really didn't mean to do that.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
This year I wrote and posted:

248,437 words in 25 fics for 3 fandoms (if we're counting the MCU as one thing) and 7 different relationships.

Overall Thoughts:

It's actually been a pretty good writing year. I've grown a lot in confidence in handling longer narratives and not counted up thee is my original novel which isn't finished but it sitting at over 50k. Writing original stuff has been a bit of a stumbling block for me as has convincing myself that the amount of words I can write is up there with how long a novel should be but I'm getting there.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

I think maybe more. It's been a bit of a dark year for me but I think I've done well. At the start of 2014 I bought one of those wall calendar to put a dot on every day I do something involved with writing. I've expected streaks in the twenty days if I was lucky and a fight with myself to beat my last streak. The reality is that after a bumpy end to January and start to February I have a dot on every day. That's 318 days now. And the thing that I've found is that once you're used to writing every day it's easier to keep it up. There are still days I'd rather not bother but I've found that generally my plotting and my idea generating are both up.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

The only thing that's really out of the ordinary this year is the John/Sherlock/Mary I wrote in January. I hadn't intended to write for the Sherlock fandom but season 3 hit some of my OT3 buttons pretty damn hard.

What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

Journey. My big bang. I feel like...I don't know...I feel like this is the first thing I plotted at great length that worked really well. I feel like the elements came together and I had good B-plot and my relationship worked and it was really fun to bring together.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing original stuff. I learnt that I can write a novel. It's not the best novel I'll ever write, the fanficiton I'm writing now it's the best fanfiction I'll ever write, but I learnt that I can have ideas that are worthwhile, that I can create original characters and that I can get over 50k just powered by the things I made up myself.

From my past year of writing, what was....

My best story of this year:

Define best. I'm going to say Journey just for the plotting elements.

My most popular story of this year:

AO3 says SHIELD - the ABO thing where SHIELD is a home for omegas without alphas and Phil is an alpha who works for SHIELD in charge of the Avengers who are all little shits and then Clint gets kidnapped and melodrama and...yeah, I love me some melodrama. That was a very fun, self-indulgent write. I'm glad people liked it.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

From this year? ...and a funeral. It's a bit tropey but it's meant to be. It's a 'meeting the family/fake relationship' thing but I definitley felt like it'd grown into something bigger by the end of it. It was really about loss and about embracing life though it's difficult to look past your own mortality which have really been the themes for my year.

Most fun story to write:

Even Superheroes Deserve some Downtime because I love co-writing and I love Trojie and we had fun with this even if we had stress too.

Story with the single sexiest moment:

I'm a big fan of the Clint/Nat/Phil scene in Even superheroes deserve some downtime,

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story:

...I don't really do that. Did I write anything objectionable this year? A lot of ABO but I've come to terms with the fact that I feel trapped in my life and one of the ways I cope is buying into a fantasy world where someone can come and save me from myself and take control of me. I've been kind of off ABO for the last few months actually so that probably says good things about my mental health. Yay, good mental health!


Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I'm going to go with "My Silence is all you Need" just becasue of how hard I find it to write Melinda and Natasha together. I thought they'd really work but it turns out I can't get them to click. Ah well.

Hardest story to write:

...My Fitz/Simmons/Ward AOS big bang. I don't know what I was thinking or why I stuck with it. I liked the pairing but it was all falling apart even before Ward grew his beard of evil and this fic came at just the wrong time. Should have written something else.

Biggest Disappointment:

Not having actually finished my original novel yet, but I'll get there. It's January's first project.

Biggest Surprise:

I can write novels! Novel length fic, novel length novels. Novels!

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:

...and a funeral if only that it started out as something light and silly and, god, I feel like the last couple of years I've been under seige with loss. My dog died just after I put this fic up. My grandparents both have dementia and we don't know how much longer they have. A lot of people at work have had cancer this year or mental breakdowns or things. I lost a friend to cancer. I didn't mean for this fic to be about loss but that's what it turned into. Fic are funny like that.

Fic-writing goals for 2015:

Let's see...

1. Not fic writing but I want to finish my novel and edit it then start a new one either for Nano next November or camp Nano in the summer. I'd also like to send it to some agents but we'll beta-test it on some friends first and we'll see.
2. More short fic! Novel length fic are fine but there's something to be said for 5000 words instead of 50,000.
3. Do marvel!bang again. And only marvel!bang. Or another equivalent bang in another fandom. I can do multiple fic for the same big bang but I'm not falling into the trap of doing a lot of big bangs again and Marvel!Band is tried and tested so I know it's done well.
4. Try out some new pairings/fandoms. For variety. Not leaving ClintCoulson behind, I have plans for that fandom, but a bit more variety might be nice.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)


OMFG Gleeverse! I don't even Glee fandom any more but I signed up becasue I missed you all. Any team teachers still on here come sign up! It's gonna be totally awesome!
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, my writing course got canceled due to lack of interest. I find this upsetting on a couple of levels. The easiest to explain being that I'm a creature of habit and I'd got into thinking about going and it's really annoying to keep having to correct my own thoughts. Like, I'll be sat here thinking, oh, I should dig this out for my writers course on Tuesday and of course I shouldn't becasue there isn't wrong. More relevantly, I think being forced to write outside my comfort zone makes me a better writer and breeds creativity. I was looking forward to that and to having a forum to brainstorm. Not that I don't do that sometimes with people online. Maybe I need to do it more to counter. I was also looking forward to meeting new people. I'm not super jealous of the people I know who are taking masters courses in writing this year.

Meeting new people is going...slowly. I guess. Been going to my local games shop and there are some nice people and on the one hand I'm like, yay, geeks, but on the other they're just so obviously not my kind of geeks. I mentioned fanfiction the other day and the person I mentioned it to was like "Eugh, you don't write that guy guy stuff, do you?" and I wasn't going to lie so I told her I did and it got very awkward. It's's actually worse because I have these people I feel like I should be able to be myself with but I still can't. Oh well. Guess I'll just hold out for conventions. It's just...I wish there were more fandom people I could meet up with and talk to irl. I get lonely.

My original writing is going okay. I lost like 2k of it a few weeks back but I've mostly re-writen all that stuff now. It was just disheartening. I think my mc's bisexual. That's a lot more fun.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, I'm gonna get my hair cut.

This is a thing I feel like talking about as my hair is REALLY long. Like, it goes to the small of my back and has reached the point where it doesn't get any longer. My plan is to cut it really short. I fancy something low-maintenance and asymetrical. Probably above the ears.

The last time I had hair that short I was...well, I started growing it long again at about 14.

I've been thinking about it for a few months but it seems like a good time to do it. I mean, I don't have any weddings I know of in the next six months and I've got a con with photos but that wouldn't be the end of the world if my hair isn't great for them and, basically, I want to try something new. My hair is heavy and it gets in my way and, working in school, I tend to pick up nits really easily which is horrible and will be less likely with shorter hair. I'm just ready for a change but it still feels really drastic to chop of about 14" of hair.

The good thing is I'm going to talk to the hairdresser about taking it off as one lump then I can donate it to the Little Princess trust who'll turn in into a wig for a kid with cancer. Seems like a better use of my hair than what I'm doing with it which is mostly just being annoyed.

So, yeah, I'll panic now until wednesday and then it'll be done and I'll get on with my life.

9 worlds

Aug. 11th, 2014 07:38 pm
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
I few notes on things that occurred to me at 9 worlds. Some of these I spoke about in panels (I kind of want to be on a panel or two next year since apparently I have so much to say), some of them I didn't.

On writing rape as a survivor fantasy

under the cut )

On writing female characters and the performance of gender

under the cut )

On nontraditional bodies and rural England

under the cut )

On feeling smart and other personal shit

under the cut )
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, I went to Berlin. I loved it. I could have stayed if, you know, money and the fact I don't speak German. Berlin was picked 90% on a whim becasue I realised that saying "in a few years" means I'll never go and it seemed somehow less daunting than some of the other places I considered and I don't regret going for a minute. It was wonderful. Berlin is the kind of city I love. Beautiful and dirty. Not afraid to wear it's past on it's sleeve, both the ugly and the beautiful parts. Rich with history but also with creation - a sense of moving forward while still valuing the past. I don't feel like we even touched the surface. We walked down the main street from the Brandenburg gate, spent a little time near Alexander-Platz, navigated the U-bahn, went to the zoo and the natural history museum. Already planning to go back, maybe for a week next time. I want to go on tours and do the checkpoint charlie museum and visit the old museum and see a show of some kind.

Today I went to see Guardians of the galaxy. It was very good. Funny and touching. I'd still say Cap2 is a better movie if we're talking about Marvel but at the moment I'd say GotG is a strong contender for second or third best MCU movie. I won't say anything because spoilers but, yeah. Worth seeing.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
I've had a really odd day. I keep thinking the dog's about. It's been like five weeks now since he died. I mean, normally every time I come in the gate I think "Gotta be quiet for the dog" and then occasionally I'll think, oh, where's Frank and obviously the answer is ... but today I feel like every five minutes I've been caught out by the fact that dog's dead. Every time I've walked into the living room I've had to stop myself calling for him. I keep finding myself checking behind the couch to see if he's there.

Think I need an early night tonight. That sounds like a very good plan. I'm sure it'll all seem better in the morning.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
Note to self: If food looks really cheap - don't trust it.

I got food poisoning. Stupid food.

In other news I've made real progress on my dress that's...let's call it in the style of Jane's from Thor 2 because the fabric I used is a lot darker but it's the same style basically. I've got to press all my hems and make the sash. I'm thinking I might do some hand embroidery on the sash which is something I haven't done a lot of but it'll probably look really cool. If I'm going to do it I just need to do it before I sew the sash so the back of my embroidery is hidden on the inside of the work.

I was going to re-watch the entire MCU then go to see cap2 again but I got bored so I've re-watched most of phase 1 then got distracted. I liked Cap1 a lot more now I'm re-watching it after cap2. I'm probably going to go see Cap 2 again tomorrow anyway since the new spider man's out so I can go see them both on the same day. Just contemplating if I'm going to do it at local cinema or if I'm going to go over to Leeds so I can buy sushi between movies.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, I'm trying to teach myself how to draw. Drawing isn't something that comes naturally to me or something I'm very good at. I mean, I'm alright. But I find it really easy to see the flaws in things I'm drawing and that's really off-putting for me. But I've got into this ridiculous place where I somehow expect to be good at things the first time I try them. Like, I expect to pick up a notepad and just dash of a masterpiece. Which is never going to happen.

It's like, I've decided I'm okay at writing and for a long time I though that was natural and I just, like, woke up as a decent writer one day. But when I'm actually being rational about it I know that's lies. I know that to get where I am I've been writing since I was twelve and I'm twenty eight now. Of course I'm okay at it. I've been working hard at it for so many years. I'm also worse at seeing my own flaws in writing than I am with drawing and it does flow more naturally for me. I am more a word person than a visual person but that doesn't mean I can't be good at drawing if I try.

So, basically, I'm going to try. I'm going to draw something every day until I can draw. I'm sticking with copying first to give me something concrete that my thing should look like and to give me a guide to follow. I'm using Hawkeye with Aja's work as I really like his art style. I think having read more comics helps as before I don't think I really even appreciated what an art style was but now I do and now I can look and be like, subjectively I prefer the art of Aja to some others so imitating his way of drawing is a good way to start learning the basics.

So, yeah, basically - new skill acquisition, I'm on with it!
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
Ways today has sucked:

Knocked hot iron over on way out of the door, nearly burnt self.
Spent 15 minutes trying to convince child he wasn't a mountain Lion. Failed.
Spend 30 minutes trying to sort out a playground squabble.
Only had 10 minutes dinner time.
Had to sort out same playground squabble again after dinner.
Had to sort out mountain Lion child again after dinner.
Had to get cross in science because the kids were too busy trying to use mirrors to shine light in each other's eyes to use them for science.
Didn't have time to get ladders so haven't got my displays changed (means I'll probably have to stay after work for free to do them Thursday or they won't get done and class teacher will come back from her sick leave to the place looking a tip).
Had a training I forgot about so stuck at school 'til 6.
Was told in training the reason the children in our class misbehave is we don't love them enough because they don't want to impress me more than their friends.
Obsessed about training for like an hour when I got home.
Read an article criticising AOS by mistake and got upset.
Realised all my clothes won't fit in my drawers and got mad at myself.

In conclusion, today can just go get lost.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, week's over. The dog's gone. I'm alright. It's been weird as I expected it to hurt more after but in a way the worst time we Wednesday night and having to go to bed knowing I'd have maybe five minutes to say goodbye on Thursday morning and that would be it. I'm sure I've not been at my best at work this week but at least I've been busy. I still feel a bit like my head's in a cloud and I'm not sure what I'm meant to do next. I've wasted most of this afternoon accidentally because I just don't have the brain for anything. I've cried but not at work and that's all I wanted. It'll be a while before things are normal again but, yeah, it could be worse is all I'm saying. I'm not sure my entire brain's really accepted it yet. I still check for him every time I walk into the living room but it's only been a few days.

I've passed minimum word count on my AOS big bang so that's a thing. I just been to bring it to an emotionally satisfying conclusion now. Not sure about that.

Also, I've decided that Fury's main character motivation in regard to Coulson is massive unrequited love. It makes perfect sense. Fury has known Phil forever and he's the one who brought Phil into SHIELD. He found Steve for Phil, clearly. He made the Avengers for Phil because you're NOT telling me that wasn't Phil's boyhood dream - a team of superheroes headed up by Captain America and he gets to hang out with them. He's like the obligatory kid sidekick from golden era comics only grown up. When Phil died he moved heaven and earth to bring him back and then he gave him a fucking plane and his own hand-picked team to fly around the world with. And Phil is as confused by all this directed at him as everyone else so the only conclusion is that Fury is hopelessly and completely in love with Phil and that he won't ever say it because he knows Phil doesn't feel the way so he's just going to keep expressing his love by bringing Phil back from the dead and throwing expensive gifts at him.

Bonus - the reason Fury wanted to keep Phil away from the Avengers now is he's pretty sure Phil is in love with either Steve or Clint and while he told himself he was okay with this, he's finding that in reality he isn't so okay with it so he's decided to keep them apart.

Why is it that buying a bra today was almost more than I could cope with but I can spin massive crack pairing theories out of throw away lines and air?

I decided the bra buying dilemma by buying the purple one becasue Hawkeye. I'll try again for practical when I've got some focus back.

Also, in crack pairings, Loki/Heimdall. In a "there are two types of people" moment I was watching Thor: The Dark World with this group of fangirls online and they were talking about the ending and SPOILERS how Loki snuck back in past Heimdall. They were suggesting various things that made sense in the MCU. My brain went straight to TRUE LOVE CRACK PAIRING! Then I threw it at Trojie and we ended up with Loki seducing Heimdall to gain control of the gate and Heimdall letting him because he thought a Loki he controlled was better then a Loki running wild and as first they're both just pretending it's love and Heimdall is trying to turn Loki good only Loki is THE trickster so he plays Heimdall and without Heimdall even realising it manages to get them both working against the good of Asgard but at some point for both of them fake love turns to true love and clearly that leads to happy ending somehow. I mostly just want the look on Odin's face when this all comes out.
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
So, it's been kind of a bad week and is looking like it'll be another next week. I ended up having a long discussion with my parents on Wednesday about how, really, the only reason the dog's alive is we weren't ready to let him go yet. He's got diabetes and his insulin isn't really working as well as it was for him, he's got arthritus in his joints so he limps quite a lot. He's got a giant tumor in his stomach. He's blind and he's lost a good chunk of his sense of smell and his hearing. He has maybe 4 or 5 hours when he's vaguely active a day and he sleeps through the rest.

Over christmas he got bronchitus and he basically coughs all the time. Not little coughs but big wracking coughs that move his whole body. This has been going on since December and we've all been taking turns staying up with him since he coughs all night but he's never slept alone so we can't start leaving him alone now. When we took him to the vet about his coughing she told us basically that it was his time but give him pain killers to help him until we were ready to let him go.

So, we had a long talk and we decided it's time. My sister's coming home to say goodbye to me on monday and my dad got him an appointment with his favourite vet and he's going on Thursday. It feels really weird to have a certain date hanging over us. My dad told us he'd made an appointment just before we went to the supermarket and I can't remember what the fuck I bought, I was just in a daze.

Sometimes during the day when he's having his awake hour you almost wonder if he's not that bad but I stayed up with him last night and he woke me up crying. He couldn't catch his breath any more, was just coughing and shaking and I thought he was going. He lost control of his bladder, couldn't move, wouldn't take anything from me so I couldn't give him a pain pill. Luckily, or unluckily I suppose, he settled down and his breathing was shallow for a while then it came stronger again but it wasn't nice and when I mentioned it my parents told me he'd done it before. He's just not getting any quality out of his life any more so we have to let him go.

So, basically, the long story short is I've been on the verge of tears since Wednesday and probably will be for another few weeks. Poor dog :(
signe_chan: (Stress-free)
This weekend I am working on my AOS big bang. Because I need to be serious about it now or it won't happen.

My first goal, the minimum I'll accept, is to have written 5,000 words by the end of the weekend.
My second goal, what I'd like to achieve, is 10,000 words by the end of the weekend.
My long-shot goal, which would be awesome, is over 15,000 words by the end of the weekend. That's the minimum word limit so I'm winning if I get that far becasue even if the story isn't done I can finish it by the quickest route and submit it if it comes to that.

Words written



Get a progress bar at


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